Self Esteem A Necessary Component of Survival
By: Stephanie Gagos

From the moment we are born we learn to see ourselves through the eyes of our caregivers. If they look at us with unloving eyes, we will most likely grow to see ourselves as unlovable; if they see us as bad, rotten no good children, we will believe this is so. If their actions toward us are violations through - verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse - we will believe that we are at fault and deserving of such treatment. We will believe, at first, that there is something wrong with us -some flaw or damage on our part that makes them angry and provokes them to treat us in these ways. As children, we cannot comprehend that it could possibly be their fault, because we love them and depend on them for survival. We are also taught that adults know best and in our eyes they become omnipotent, leaving us with feelings of shame and inadequacy.

This distorted sense of self becomes all that we know. As we grow older we continue to reinforce these beliefs formed in childhood. We continue the abuse by abusing ourselves and/or allowing others to abuse us. Often, it does not matter if, intellectually, we understand that our abusers were wrong and that we were the victims; the damage is often so deep, the beliefs of unworthiness so engrained, that a massive effort is required to actively create and reinforce new beliefs. Aligning ourselves with people who love us and see us for who we really are will help, but without changing how we SEE and FEEL about ourselves, we will continue to feel empty and find that no matter what we have, something is always missing.

WE are what we are missing.

What makes it so difficult, is that we have spent years brainwashed into believing that we are bad, unworthy, undeserving, and not good enough. As adults we spend even more years, living from that wounded place, actively affirming these false beliefs through negative self-talk and behaviors. We interpret everything around us as an affirmation of what we feel about ourselves, not realizing that the world is merely reflecting back to us how we FEEL and what we BELIEVE. It will be extremely difficult for us to have wonderful, loving, and amazing experiences if inside we feel rotten, damaged and inadequate. We have to BE what we want on the outside. For example if we want love, we have to feel love for ourselves or the match love we seek will never come. We may find someone who cares about us but it will never be enough, there will always be that empty pit that our partner will eventually get tired of trying to fill. We are the only ones who can do it. What a challenge when we’ve never been filled up before and are not aware of what it even feels like!

This is part of what makes childhood abuse so devastating. It occurs during that time when our self esteem is supposed to be nurtured and encouraged. Instead, it never has a chance to even begin to develop. In a way, the early messages we receive from abuse are even worse than being brainwashed as an adult because we have no memory of who we were before. It feels as if we are starting from scratch, creating a sense of self that we were not aware existed before because we have no memory of the power of our inner being.

This true self still exists inside each of us even though our trauma has virtually buried its existence. It has many names from Inner Being to Higher Self. It is important that you not only believe in its existence, but become adept at distinguishing between the voice of your abused self vs. the voice of your true self. This part of you remained untainted by the abuse and knows your worth. It knows how precious and valuable you are. It is acutely aware of your strength and abilities and it does not need validation from the world. This part of us emerges at times but we need to peel back the layers of false belief, misconception, self hatred, ignorance and pain to become more fully aware of this self – to truly become him/her.

This transformation takes time and effort but worth it because on the other side we can reach our fullest potential. Here are some of the changes we will need to make in order to create a new pair of eyes, a new perspective and put an end to old and destructive ways of thinking and being.

• Become aware of beliefs we have about ourselves. (I’m no good, I’m not good enough, I’m not deserving, something is wrong with me etc.)
• Create new beliefs and repeat them to ourselves, even if at first they fit us like a scratchy sweater or a too tight pair of jeans. Eventually they will fit and feel good. Ask yourself, what do I need to believe about myself to feel good?
• End the familiar negative ways we berate ourselves daily. It will be like training ourselves for a marathon, getting our minds in tip-top shape, preparing ourselves for this marathon of life so that we can attract the success (happiness) we desire and deserve. We would never fill ourselves up with junk on the night before a big run, would we? And so it is with the marathon of life.
• Ignore our discomfort at tooting our own horn, reveling in the beauty of our very existence. Practice saying something nice about yourself to people you love. Be aware that people may feel uncomfortable by it as well, since they are not used to it. Ignore their reaction. If this is too difficult, try writing compliments to yourself.
• Act as if we do love ourselves so that eventually we will. What does a person who loves themselves look like? How do they behave? Walk? Dress? Speak? Act as if.
• Push ourselves into situations and experiences that are frightening but good for us. I went up against my boss on principle, even though I was terrified. I grew in so many ways from standing up for myself.
• Stop and look at all we have done in our lives, all the wonderful qualities that exist within us and begin to celebrate and strengthen them. List your accomplishments daily or weekly or by the first of the month. What are you good at? What are often complimented on? What do you see in others that you wish you had? Look for times you have possessed these qualities. Debbie Ford, author of Secret of the Shadow, says, that when we admire others we are “giving our light away” What you admire in others, you also possess.
• Begin to understand the divine value and purpose we hold on this earth. A sense of purpose in the world is so important to your self esteem. Also it does not have to be one purpose. You are here for many reasons. You can discover your passions by paying attention to what brings you joy, what makes your face light up when you talk about it. Follow that.
• Work through our childhood wounds. Therapy, support groups, writing, art, mind-body work. Whatever it takes. You may not like it, but your healing is part of why you are here.
• Fill our heads with inspiring messages that speak to the truth of who we are. Spend time daily filling yourself up with positive messages from audios, inspirational radio shows (Hay House Radio on the internet) and read books that inspire you.
• Avoid people who trigger you and cause you to revert back to negative self-talk. Surround yourself with people you feel good around. If you don’t have any, start visualizing yourself surrounded by wonderful, loving, trustworthy people. Visualize them daily and how it would FEEL to have that. They will appear in time.
• Learn to laugh at yourself. We are all funny in our own way. Laugh at your idiosyncrasies, don’t take everything to heart.
• Practice appreciation for all that we have and all that we are in this moment so that we may attract more of it unto us. Appreciate your body and how well it works (focus on what works well), appreciate your strength, resilience, your empathy and compassion, appreciate all the good in your life (food to eat, your pet, clothes, your home, money for basic needs, friends, good influences in your life)
• Accept even the parts we don’t like, our shadow parts, knowing that even they have served us well in some way. Stop resisting part you don’t like about yourself. What you resist persists. The more critical you are of yourself, the more these unwanted qualities will come up. Remember you are not only human, but a human who has suffered trauma. Be gentle and forgiving.
• Find a balance between accepting yourself as you are and striving to become your highest self. Without balance you will always feel inadequate, like you are reaching for the unattainable.
• Forgive ourselves for the choices we’ve made, for how crazy and out of control we feel at times, for the times we hurt others, for the deceptions we believed and for all that we hold on to as weapons against ourselves. Learn how to love the person you are today, flaws and all, as well as love who we are underneath our self destructive patterns.

In time, and with greater awareness, we can grow to love ourselves and find compassion for how we chose to respond even in our lowest of times. In time, treating ourselves badly or allowing others to hurt or disrespect us will feel wrong to us. It will feel so uncomfortable that we will know we can never go back. We will arrive at a point in which our self esteem cannot be swayed by outside factors. The way we look at ourselves in the mirror will change. The way we walk, the way we speak, the way we think, the way we interact with others and most of all the way we FEEL will change. We will understand how valuable and powerful we truly are and we will begin to use that knowledge to change our world.